The Stories We Tell

An Existential Narrative Guide to
Understanding Your Past,
Embracing Your Present,
and Anticipating your Future

0 of 30 Stories Told

We all tell stories. It is fundamental to our shared human experience. There are stories we tell ourselves, and stories we tell the world. Sometimes, these stories are in alignment.

Oftentimes, they are not. Much like a mime exaggerates his or her expressions, our outer world overshadows our inner domain, and those around us only see the falsehoods we want them to see.

Our stories become masks and though we are seen, we are not truly known.

The mime is an excellent metaphor for the work this journal hopes to inspire in you. Modern pantomime is a silent, extravagant expression of emotion that belies the true internal condition of the mime performing the act.

Where we see joy conveyed, there is a very real brokenness underneath.

Where we see dejection, there is exuberance just waiting to be unleashed!

Where we see an invisible prison, there is actually freedom to move.

The stories we tell ourselves and those around us are misaligned. Only when we are willing to align those stories, not merely with one another, but with reality itself, can we finally, truly, be known. The psychologist, Carl Rogers, called this congruency.

The lay theologian, C.S. Lewis, also explored this journey in the last book he wrote, Till We Have Faces. In the climax of the book, Orual, the protagonist and narrator of the story, says,

“I saw well why the gods do not speak to us openly nor let us answer. Till that word can be dug out of us, why should they hear the babble that we think we mean? How can they meet us face to face till we have faces?”

We live life unknown to one another, a collection of decorated faces tugging on an invisible rope that leads nowhere. In a very real sense we have, all of us, become mimes.

But once the veil is lifted…
once the mask is removed…
once the paint is washed away…
can we finally be seen face to face.

Existential Therapy is concerned with understanding how we, as individuals, navigate and perceive life. It acknowledges, and even emphasizes, the aspects of our existence that cause us anxiety.

Unlike many forms of therapy that are based on certain methods or techniques, Existential Therapy takes a more philosophical perspective. In a sense, it is a therapeutic approach based on conflict, not between individuals, but between you and your perception of the forces at play in and around you.

Psychiatrist and professor, Irvin Yalom, calls these the “givens of existence,” as they apply to everyone. While there is not necessarily a universal agreement on what these givens are within existential circles, there are a handful that are widely accepted. These “four ultimate concerns” are as follows:

ISOLATION

Existentially speaking, isolation extends far beyond the concept that we feel disconnected from others, and even ourselves. Existentialism adopts a viewpoint that we are well and truly alone. Nobody can experience your birth and no one can die your death. You alone must face those, and every moment in between. Even surrounded by people, no mortal person can participate in your being.

However, it is not healthy for us to live a solitary life. For better or for worse, the need for others is encoded deeply within us. As such, we are called to be vulnerable, authentic, mask less. Unfortunately, this exposes us to disappointment, for in laying ourselves bare, we experience the disconnect that comes from never fully being understood by those who dwell among us.

FREEDOM

Freedom is the power of choice. It is the difference between conscious thought and instinctive behavior. Freedom is what separates humans from the rest of the natural world. As such, there is no observable framework providing an example of it. We alone have the burden and privilege of this level of consciousness. And therein, lies the conflict.

In a world that does not provide structure, we must impose it upon ourselves. For it is only by restraining our freedom that we continue to exist. We carry with us both the fruit of our potential and the seeds of our own destruction.

MEANING

Many existential thinkers subscribe to the ultimate conclusion that the universe has no meaning, that there is no grand design imposed upon creation. The individual must then create meaning out of nothing, declaring their own truth. Others believe that there is inherent meaning in life, but it must be sought after. Once discovered, the individual must apply that meaning in a way that is purposeful for them. The conflict is experienced when one seeks meaning in a universe that offers none, or when the individual is required to confidently extrapolate meaning from a reality that is beyond our comprehension.

DEATH

Death is easily identified as a concern amongst all cultures and peoples. If you are reading this, your physical form persists. But one day, it will not. It will cease to be. We must all face the inescapable death that pursues us and hold that in tension with our yearning to be, to continue existing. This internal conflict is more obvious than the others in many ways yet can be more difficult to identify when evaluating our mental health.

Narrative Therapy is considered a postmodern therapeutic approach. This is a somewhat silly notion when, in reality, it is the most premodern of all approaches. Though not officially recognized until the dark ages of the 1980s as a form of therapy, storytelling has always been the way that we, as conscious human beings, process our experiences. It is such a premodern approach that we would not be remiss in calling it prehistoric.

Before we learned to use paint on walls, chisel on stone, or ink on paper, we told stories, passing them down from generation to generation. This wasn’t simply an exercise in entertainment. It was the way that we made sense of the big, dark, and scary world around us. These stories taught lessons and pointed us to something bigger than our individual selves.

That said, we should not dismiss Narrative Therapy as a distinctive therapeutic endeavor. Quite the opposite. By “legitimizing” this approach, we give it the value it deserves and can utilize its narrative tools with more intentionality. So, what are some of those tools?

Your Story

Narrative Therapy is a modality that focuses on the stories we believe about ourselves (or others believe about us) and the world we live in. This method deconstructs unhealthy or overly dominant narratives into something that is more manageable, and hopefully, more closely aligned with the truth. Because, if there is no truth, our stories don’t matter. Our pantomime becomes the best we can hope for in life.

As presented previously in the introduction, the goal for this guide is to help you become an honest storyteller. Looking back on your story, you will see times that you were the hero, times you were the victim, and times that you were the villain (more on this in a moment).

Collaboration

Narrative Therapy takes a collaborative view of mental and emotional healing that places you as the expert in your story. Which, let’s admit, can be a scary prospect when you look back at some of your choices. “I’m not so sure an expert would have done that thing that I did,” you might be saying to yourself. That’s okay.

By working with this guide and with a trained professional, you can find a welcoming environment to process each of those roles in a way that does not condemn you.

Kindness

The strength of Narrative Therapy is found, ultimately, in its kindness. In this process, be kind and understanding with who you were yesterday. Even in stories in which you find yourself as the villain (and even the victim), there is room for forgiveness and the power to write a new paragraph in that chapter of your life.

Confronting examples of times in which you were not the hero of your story does not mean that you are being judgmental. It’s simply accepting your humanity in all of its complexity. You don’t have to be proud of it, but you will not find freedom from it until you acknowledge the various roles you have played in your story. Hopefully, in the process, you will find grace for who that person was.

And excitement for who you are becoming, even now.

Take a good, long look at yourself in the
mirror (literally and metaphorically).

Then, give yourself permission to wash
away the paint, little by little.

Allow yourself to finally experience the
cleansing that comes from authentically
telling your story.

The goal for this journal/guide/workbook is to not only help you align the stories you tell yourself with the stories you tell the world around you, but to also dismiss the false narratives you have come to believe. There is no liberation in masks and mistruths, only a false sense of security. No matter how painful the truth is, freedom is only found in confronting it.

These exercises are intended to help you along that path to becoming an honest storyteller, to break the silence and speak difficult, sometimes harsh truths about yourself. But to do so with a voice that is kind and accepting of what exists beneath the pain(t).

For this reason, I encourage you to only view this journal as a tool, not as a substitute for professional counseling and/or positive, appropriate community. The journey to become an honest storyteller should not be walked alone, for it is fraught with obstacles. A trained professional can walk the path with you and point out the impediments, while genuine friends and loved ones can pick you up when you stumble.

Practically speaking, there is simply no way to allow enough space for your story to fit within these pages. There's so much to explore! Don't force it. If you run out of room, have another journal or outlet available to continue writing and drawing. Be as creative as you want!

And remember, this is your story. While the prompts that follow have a certain progression to them, don’t limit yourself to completing them in sequential order. The guide is broken up into Past, Present, and Future, but move around as the mood suits you. Find an exercise that allows you to express yourself authentically in the moment.

Lastly, this journey can be wearisome. Don't feel like you have to complete these prompts within a set time frame. Whether it takes you a month, a year, or even longer, work through this journal at a pace that is life-giving and not overwhelming.

Understanding communicates not only an intellectual awareness of something, but also a capacity for empathetic discernment.

Our past often has power over us because we do not understand it, nor grace for who we were when we experienced it. Exploring the past with bravery and honesty allows us a new understanding of it. Understanding the past allows us to name it, and by naming it, we have the power to define it. Not the other way around.

You are not defined by your past.

You are not the sum of your failures, nor is your worth only found in your victories (or lack thereof). Allow the past to inform you, not define you. Take the lessons worth learning and leave the lies behind.

You have experienced an innumerable number of firsts in your life: first day at school, first heart break, first trip on an airplane, the list goes on and on and on.

Think back on some of your firsts. What were the emotions that accompanied those experiences, both positive and negative? Did they inspire you to pursue other firsts, or were you hesitant to try something new?

What was the last time you allowed yourself the experience of a first time? Maybe, you're past due.

There is a common phrase that exists in a few different forms that states something along the lines of, “Those who do not know history are doomed to repeat it.” This is objectively false, as evidenced by many of us making the same mistake over and over again.

The more accurate statement would probably be something along the lines of, “Those who do not take responsibility for the past are doomed to repeat it.”

When you own the hard truths of your decisions and feel the weight of them fully, only then will you finally be prepared to make the necessary changes.

What choices have you made that you need to take responsibility for?

What decisions from your past would you rather ignore instead of facing head-on?

Conflict, and our response to that conflict, is one of the greatest determinants of self. Who we are after a conflict can look very different from who we were before.

Look back on your life. What are some of the conflicts, hardships, trials, moments of sustained pressure you had to endure?

How did those conflicts change you? What did they take from you? What did they forge within you that did not exist before?

You have the freedom to make any choice you want. And you also have the freedom to experience the consequences of those choices, both positive and negative.

Though it may seem counterintuitive, liberty, when viewed this way, is also another word for responsibility.

You have made decisions in your life that ended poorly. Even if you are only responsible for 1% of the problem, freedom comes from owning your 1%.

Write down the events in which you are ready to accept responsibility for your 1% (or 5%…or 35%…or, gasp…99%).

Is there someone you can make amends with? Someone who needs to hear you own your 1%?

What accomplishment are you most proud of?

What have you achieved or overcome that fills you with pride or gratitude, even to this day?

Hold on to that memory. Consider what you can learn from that experience and apply it to difficulties you are currently facing.

Let it be a reminder that you really can do hard things.

We do not like the word failure, often trying to cover it up with something more positive, something that makes us feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

We didn’t fail; we “experienced a learning opportunity.” While it is true that we should learn from our mistakes, it is important that we do not diminish the fact that we simply screwed up or missed the mark.

There is no shame in failure. In fact, it is often in failure that the greatest growth and learning occur.

Shame whispers, “I’m a failure.” But truth proclaims, “I failed!”

What failure are you most embarrassed or devastated about?

How would life look if you gave yourself permission to let that shame go?

Right now, you are carrying certain beliefs about yourself, little rocks you have collected throughout your life.

These beliefs became more than you could hold in your hands, so you began stuffing them into your clothes. These pet rocks seemed bearable enough at first, but as you collected more, they slowed you down.

Identify your pet rocks and, using the second-person perspective, describe how you found them.

For example, write: “You tripped over your first pet rock in the hallway during second grade. Everyone laughed at you. You named your new rock Clumsy.”

How have these beliefs weighed you down? What did they keep you from attempting?

When control is taken from us, we feel powerless. The more suddenly or aggressively that control is ripped away, the less power we believe we have.

You have likely experienced events in your life where control over yourself or your situation was taken from you.

Record that experience here. Include all the thoughts and feelings you experienced, everything that your senses were aware of in that moment. Leave nothing out.

Try to do this in as chronological an order as possible. If you remember something later, come back and include it.

If recording these events becomes too much, take a break and reconnect with your current reality. It may be beneficial to speak with a professional in conjunction with this exercise.

The more we understand the brain, the more we realize the fluidity of our memories. Few memories are pure; they tend to be influenced by new information gained afterward.

Review your story recorded in the previous exercise, What Was…

Now, write your story again but this time, actively change some of the more destructive elements.

Create a story in which you were able to resist control being taken from you and were able to maintain your power.

The intent of this exercise is not to believe a lie or to accept blame for someone else’s terrible actions toward you, but rather to break the false narrative that you are powerless.

Reassert your control over that situation, little by little, and allow that to be the narrative you remember.

Irvin Yalom once wrote, “Sometimes I simply remind patients that sooner or later they will have to relinquish the goal of having a better past.”

The past is the past. No amount of praying, wishing, or understanding will change it. It simply is, and always will be.

For some experiences, no amount of creativity can cover the ugliness of what you’ve endured. Maybe it’s time to finally be honest with yourself.

Draw a large box on a separate page. In that box, imagine placing all the painful things that cannot be change and the future that was taken from you because of those events.

In the space below, record what you placed in that box. Now, imagine yourself putting that box away.

Sometime in the future, take that box back out and look through it. You might need to add more painful events, unfortunately. But maybe, you can also remove some, having achieved a sense of resolution, or even victory, over that pain.

We live in the tension of existence, in the tug o' war of our past and future selves. We are not who we were and we are not yet who we are going to be.

We persist in our being, here and now. And in living that out, we can be free from the self imposed restrictions of both our past and our future.

To embrace something means to accept it, but it can also mean to show it affection.

The here and now can be difficult to embrace, especially if your current situation is uncomfortable. At the very least, removing the paint from our faces means we accept reality for what it is.

But hopefully, we can also grow to love it, in all of its complexity.

Anxiety is a defense mechanism. It is the result of our attempt to emotionally avoid a real or imagined threat, either now or in the future.

Draw your anxiety on a separate page. Below, describe what does your monster look like, in all its toe nibbling terror?

Somewhere along the way, you started to believe a lie. You believed you were not equal to the task at hand, that the monster was too scary. You believed you were alone. Draw yourself preparing to fight that monster, armed with the truth.

Below, describe what that truth looks like. Who is standing with you, ready to support you and fight at your side?

If anxiety is the result of your attempt to emotionally avoid a real or imagined threat, how do you overcome it? Part of the solution is facing it head on. Look at the monster you drew. Now, look at yourself. Write a story about defeating that monster, the earthshaking conflict and the glorious climax. Write it in 1st Person and in the present tense, as if it is unfolding right before your very eyes.

Often, we use our relationships to define us or determine our value. This can lead to a number of unhealthy practices, such as codependency or even domestic abuse. The people you surround yourself with should enhance your life, not define it. They should complement your value, not dictate it.

List the people you consider important to you or have had an impact on you in some way. Then decide, did they make the list because they enhance a life that is already priceless (mark it with a happy face), or did your life seem valuable only because they were a part of it (mark it with a sad face)?

(A Follow-up to "Friends List")

If the group of people in the "sad face" category outweigh the people in the "happy face" category, you may have discovered one reason why you feel disconnected. It's possible you have relied on people to do what they can never do, validate your "youness." If you are not complete apart from people, you will never find wholeness surrounded by them. Explore what it means for you to find peace in existential isolation, and how that can make you a healthier partner, friend, family member, neighbor, employee, etc.

What are you holding in right now? What injustice or offense are you keeping locked inside? Kindness is a virtue worth striving for, but sometimes it can be a painted face, a lie that we use to hide the pain inside. Imagine you had an opportunity to face the person who hurt you. Imagine this person gave you freedom to say what you really felt, without consequence. Write down what you would say. And then, don't just say it; scream it! Find a safe place and let it out, with all the unresolved fury you've never truly allowed yourself to feel or admit.

This is a lengthy prompt, taken directly from the Dulwich Centre, a "home" of narrative therapy.

On a separate sheet of paper (make it as big as you want), follow the prompt below and draw the suggested elements. Use whatever art utensils (pencils, paints, chalks, etc.) feel comfortable to create the tree. You can identify the elements (for example, your ancestry in the ROOTS section) on the tree itself or on another page.

1. Draw the ROOTS of the tree. Identify:

Where do you come from? This can include places you come from, the people, the ideas, traditions, books, religion, language, ancestry, and social movements.
Who are the people who have taught you the most in life?
What is your favorite place at home, a treasured song, dance, or item such as a teddy bear, blanket, or picture?

2. Draw the GROUND. Identify:

Where do you currently live?
What activities do you do in your everyday life?

3. Draw the TRUNK of the tree. Identify:

What do you value?
What skills and abilities do you have?
What qualities and characteristics do you have?
What are you committed to and what is your purpose or purposes?

4. Draw the BRANCHES of the tree. Identify:

What are your hopes, dreams, and wishes? These could be for you or for others.
Where would you like your life to be heading?

5. Draw the LEAVES of the tree. Identify:

Who is important to you? These people could be alive or deceased. They may include people you have never met but who contributed to your life in important ways, such as an author, artist, musician, or historical figure.

6. Draw the FRUIT of the tree. Identify:

What gifts have you received or what legacies have been passed on to you? This includes being cared for, being loved, or acts of kindness done for you.

7. Draw the SEEDS of the tree. Identify:

What legacies or gifts do you want to give others? This could be specific or general.

8. Draw a COMPOST HEAP near the tree. Identify:

Who has been harmful or abusive in some way but should still be remembered? It may be possible that people in the compost heap are included in other parts of the tree.

After the tree is complete, find someone safe and appropriate to tell your story to, starting from the roots. Record what it felt like to share your story with them.

After completing your tree, take some time and consider the final result. On the next page, or on the back of your artistic work, write down some thoughts.

There is no other tree like your tree. What makes yours unique?
Your tree is still standing, even when so many others have fallen. What keeps your tree from collapsing?
Healthy trees require sunlight, water, and nutrient rich soil. What can you introduce into your environment to ensure your tree continues to grow and reach its full potential?
Trees provide all kinds of benefits to the world, such as oxygen, shade, or shelter. They also create stability, keeping the land from eroding away.
Sometimes, trees sacrifice their parts, such as in the children's book, The Giving Tree. How are you positively impacting the world around you? Does that feel meaningful? Does it bring you joy?
Is there anything else that stands out to you about your tree?

Our feelings can sometimes become a fence, a barrier, to achieving what we want. Write down a negative (remember, negative does not necessarily mean bad) feeling you are experiencing, such as anger, sadness, or remorse. How is this feeling interrupting the pursuit of your goals today? What can you do to better endure or overcome it?

Picture being a ship, your sails out, ready for the wind, but with your anchor dragging the ocean floor beneath you.

The past, even when it is negative or unfulfilling, can seem like a safe and inviting port. It is familiar. It is known. And so, we choose to stay, often grieving, anchored in that place of pain. The future, with all its promise of potential, can be scary. It is unknown. The calling adventure that seeks to put wind in our sails and propel us forward is hindered or ignored altogether.

What is so scary to let go, even though it wounds you to carry it? What do you need to release, right now, so that you can sail unburdened into the unknown?

In the context of this journal, anticipation takes on two different, but equally necessary, meanings. The first is to look forward to something. Specifically, that something is you, and the story you will be telling. Who will you be in a week? A year? Ten years? Be content in the present, and have ambitions you can strive for that enhance your story, both now and in the days to come.

The second meaning is to be prepared. Telling your story doesn't mean that future stories will be easy. There will always be reasons to reapply the paint. Don't! Take the tools you are learning and speak truth to the false narratives you will certainly encounter along the way. Becoming the person you envision will be a daily commitment moving forward. Stand firm!

It's easy to get lost in the weeds, to make things more difficult than they need to be. Sometimes you just need to simplify life. You can do that by asking simple, honest questions. What do you want out of life? What are your goals? Once you begin answering, do so without judgment. And don't stop until you've exhausted the truth of your response.

Now that you have listed all the things you want, prioritize them. On these pages, write them down in order, from most important down to the least important. Begin to consider how you can focus more on those items of greatest importance. Put pen to paper and make a plan on how to move towards those goals.

(A Follow-up to "What Do You Want")

This is always a fun follow-up question after asking, "What do you want?" If a story is worth telling, it is worth sacrificing for. What are you willing to release (maybe temporarily, maybe forever) in order to take hold of your dreams? How hard will it be for you to make those sacrifices?

Remember that accomplishment you were most proud of (see Repeat After Me, "I Can Do Hard Things!")? Has it been replaced with a new accomplishment? If not, that is okay. But maybe, there is an opportunity for a new accomplishment coming up. Is there something that you have hesitated to try because it seemed like too much, a dream left unfulfilled because you were convinced it was out of reach?

Remind yourself, you can do hard things! In fact, it might be time to do it again. What did you learn from your past success, and how can that lesson propel you towards a future victory you may be avoiding?

Remember that failure you were most ashamed of (see Repeat After Me, "There is Freedom to Fail!")? If you are like most of us, in the time since you completed that exercise, you most likely added to that list of failures. Maybe, you even did something that earned the #1 spot of all-time great failures in your life. Congrats! You experienced a learning opportunity!

We often allow failure to define us because shame authors the dictionary of our lives. But shame is apocryphal, a very popular liar. What does truth say about your failures? You will make another mistake, probably sooner rather than later. That's okay, there is freedom to fail! But we don't want to make the same mistake over and over again. Moving forward, what do you need to avoid in order to not repeat those errors?

Imagine you are able to see the future with a relative degree of certainty. In this future, you have accomplished your goals. Write down what you are seeing from an active 1st person future perspective. Statements should start with "I am," followed by an activity, such as, "I am walking my goat on the moon." Next, record what it feels like to be doing those things; for example, "I feel happy with my moon goat." Can you feel those future feelings in the here and now?

Without meaning to, we typically assume the future is something passive, something just waiting for us when we eventually arrive. But what if that is not the case? What if the future is actually more intentional than that, actively drawing us towards a grand finale? It is not steering us in such a way as to steal our autonomy, but rather, beckoning us with hope. What would it look like to partner with the future?

Imagine The Future is a real, living entity. Write a letter to yourself authored by The Future. What does The Future say to you? What dream or vision does it want to communicate? How is The Future pulling you forward?

You've experienced hardships in your life, maybe even events you would consider traumatic. These encounters changed you. They crept in like a practical joker, robbing you of your future and replacing it with a pale facsimile of your hopes and future. For a time, you mourned that loss and, rightfully so, condemned the existential trickster for your misfortune.

But that time has passed. What happened is not your fault, but what you do with it from this point on is your responsibility. Since those events that changed your world, what have you done to make matters more difficult for yourself? Is it time to renounce those self-inflicted injuries and reclaim your dreams long stolen?

(A Follow-up to "Pet Rocks")

In the Understanding Your Past section, you were asked to identify your pet rocks in the appropriately titled exercise, Pet Rocks. They have been constant companions for some time, maybe even years, but it is time to take them to the pound, where they belong. Imagine a future free of such heavy stones. In this future, did you adopt more positive, lighter epithets (maybe a balloon animal)? From a second person perspective, describe how you shed those companions. For example, "You learned yoga and surrendered Clumsy at the pound. It was sad to go. You weren't. On the way out, you stumbled upon (pun intended) Peaceful. Peaceful was soft and loved to float around, so you took it home. It liked to eat bacon."

While the story of the world will continue after you are gone, your role in that greatest of narratives will one day come to an end. How will you be remembered? Write a newspaper article about your life, not from a place of dwelling on your perceived failures, but out of hopeful expectation that you will achieve the goals you have listed throughout this journal.

I'd love to promise you that after completing all these exercises your face is now completely free of any paint. But that's not really reality. Even those of us trained in art of demasking struggle to be truly authentic. And that's okay. There is no shame in smudges. Nor, are they further examples of your perceived failures. Can you see more skin, more truth, than you did before? That's a win.

If you still find yourself with uncertainties, you're not alone. These guided entries do not hold the answers to all of your questions, and they did not try to. But did they open your mind to asking more questions? Do you have a greater desire to abandon the lies that come from shame and seek the truth, even when it stings? If so, then this journal has done its job.

There is beauty (or rugged good looks if that's more your thing) behind the paint. Did you find it? There is wisdom. Did you hear it? There is freedom. Did you welcome it? I am not asking if you acquired these things in their entirety. That would be impossible and foolish (not to mention arrogant) for this author to believe possible. But do you possess more than you did when you opened up this journal and read the Introduction? If so, then you have done your job.

I hope you revisit these exercises in the future, both to review, but also, to explore again. I also hope that as you continue this journey, you take along with you a trusted friend, mentor, or counselor to share these burdens and revelations with. I cannot overstate the value of exploring these topics within community.

May you ever be known as a Truthseeker and Storyteller; and though it doesn't sound as glamorous, a Paintscraper, as well.